I hope a lot. I keep on doing something even in futility. It may be optimistic at times but most often it is just my stubborn will power.

When I was a kid. I’d always open my toys, take it apart and try to reconstruct it. I’d have my set of tools which pretty much ain’t good for any 8-year old.(cutters, screw drivers, soldering irons)

I’d always break them. I was a terrible toy owner. Despite my 1:10000 rate of success, I still kept breaking things apart. I was a mini reverse engineer.

I had no fear in opening things up. I didn’t even consider warranties and voiding them. Toys, then gadgets, then computers, then software. I didn’t even bother reading the instructions. Fuck instructions.

Eventually, i understood how things worked.

I was like a crazy scientist experimenting on human bodies. I caused lots of deaths but eventually started to contribute to a lot of self-knowledge.

…

Now, I’m starting to fear. I start to worry about warranties. I fear breaking something. I try to read manuals now. I try to be careful. I fear uncertainty and regret. This is a somewhat bad side-effect of growing up. It’s like my rehab for hope.

Life, please pet me be a kid again.